Monday, August 24, 2009

Nature: Where the Scary Lives

This Onion article confirms* what I've been thinking all along: if you try to sleep outdoors, even just in your own backyard, you will not survive. Between the ghosts and the axe-murderers and the poisonous spiders, you might as well just shoot yourself and save the psycho killers the trouble.

"We now have definitive proof that most children who camp out in their yards will die a horrific death," said Kathleen Sebelius, secretary of health and human services. "Whether it's a sudden wolf attack, an escaped mental patient, or just Old Man Greenly, who lost his hand in a gruesome mill accident and now seeks his bloody revenge, young boys and girls rarely live to see their parents or friends again."

It's why our ancestors invented indoors, people: so we wouldn't get killed by Old Man Greenly.

*What a fantastic day for "scientific" studies!