Better Than the Real Thing?

The worst thing about winter (wintry-mix aside) is the wind. I always wonder where this freakishly strong wind goes in the summer, when you'd kill someone for a breeze. In winter, it peels your face off. You can pile on the sweaters and hats and mittens and parkas, but you still have an exposed face.

Until now.


The Beard Head Cap is designed to protect your face and give you that Viking beard you've always wanted.

From their website:

"Stand in all your Beard-y glory as your friends and familiy stare in awe of your manly Beard Head!"

Who can argue with that?

I'd Give It 2.5 Stars

The Oscars are over. We've celebrated the best movies of the year*. But what about the movies that are just okay? What about the ones that are largely forgettable?

Nathan Rabin takes on this issue, particularly with regard to rental movies:

"I increasingly realize why people watch movies they know will not be any damned good. Great art generally challenges audiences. It makes demands. It upsets and provokes and confronts injustices we often would rather not contemplate after a long day at work. That is why I sometimes find myself thinking, 'You know I’m in the mood for? A mediocre movie. Something’s not too good, not too bad but safely and comfortably somewhere smack dab in the middle.'"

That's the perfect way to look at it. Most of the time, I'm not in the mood for Sophie's Choice or The Departed. I want something funny, or exciting, or a little mindless. When I want to see a really serious movie, I put it on Netflix, because then I'm obligated to watch it.

Of course, I'd say the "mediocre movie" thing usually applies to TV. Why else would we have TNT or TBS? They're always running mediocre movies, and usually that's just what I want on a Wednesday evening.


*Debatable.

Got Your Head Stuck Inside a Paper Towel Roll

Boogie Boogie Hedgehog is sweeping the nation! Just like Britney's Womanizer, it has about four lyrics repeated over and over. But unlike Womanizer, Boogie Boogie Hedgehog has the adorableness of hedgehogs.





Boogie boogie hedgehog, what you gonna do?

Hair in a Ponytail

Remember the guys who brought us the brilliance of literal videos--Take on Me and Head Over Heels? They're back with a new literal video--Under the Bridge. I'd say this one is better than Head Over Heels, but Take On Me Is still the reigning champ. (The video itself is just too ridiculous, and it makes me sing along all day.)

Under The Bridge: Literal Video Version - watch more funny videos

Animal Friends

It's not Monday morning, but you still need some cute. And what's cuter than cross-species animal friends?

Dog Makes Friends With Duck @ Yahoo! Video

Puppies and ducks: best friends forever.

The Unicorns of the Sea

Narwhals are awesome, and we don't hear much about them.






The jousting whales!

I Can Has Wasteland

Usually it takes a lot for me to LOL over an LOLcat. But this is pretty brilliant: The Waste Land, LOLcat style.

(Part I is below. For the rest, click through the link.)

1. IM IN UR WASTELAND BURYING UR DEAD

april hates u, makes lilacs, u no can has. (1)
april in ur memoriez, making ur desire.
spring rain in ur dull rootzes.

earth in ur winter, covered in snow
can has potato. PO-TA-TO.
INVISIBLE SUMMER! RAININGZES!
im in ur hofgarden, drinking ur coffeez.

at archduke’s haus, invisible sled!
im in ur moutainz, holding on tight.
no can has cheezburger.
oral sex metaphors in ur poem.

in ur stones, whar r treez? (19)
whar r bushez?
ceiling cat cannot say.
im in redrock, hiding from sunz.
commin ze redrock.
im in ur handfull of dust,
showing ur fear.
redrock, redrock.

whar r wind?
INVISIBLE IRISH GIRL
in ur homelandz, freshening ur windz

can has hyacinths,
no can has tongue.
Isolde u down teh rivers.

Sosotris Cat has smartz, (43)
can see bukkit,
dead sailorz in bukkit,
hooked on fonicians.
belladonna in ur rocks,
situating ur situations.
man has three staves,
turning wheelz,
INVISIBLE CARD.
Sosotris Cat no can has hanged man:
avoid bukkit or u drownz.

INVISIBLE CITY (60)
i see dead peoplez under bridge,
i see dead peoplez on der streets,
walrus has clocks, says NEIN.
bodiez in ur garden, sprouting ur zombies
dog no can has zombies!

Anyone Up For Four-Square?

It's official: kids need recess.

"A study published this month in the journal Pediatrics studied the links between recess and classroom behavior among about 11,000 children age 8 and 9. Those who had more than 15 minutes of recess a day showed better behavior in class than those who had little or none. Although disadvantaged children were more likely to be denied recess, the association between better behavior and recess time held up even after researchers controlled for a number of variables, including sex, ethnicity, public or private school and class size."

I'm just surprised that kids are being denied recess. I know the idea is probably to get as much work in the day as possible, but honestly, if I were a teacher I could not handle that either. Everyone--no matter their age--needs to take a break at some point in an eight hour day. A couple of breaks, preferably. Your brain just can't handle that much attention.

It's also a good time for kids to get active and learn how to socialize. Kids may not remember the state nicknames, but they will take those basic social skills into adulthood.

Plus, I would love a good game of four-square again.

Kindle My Heart*

David Pogue tackles the Kindle issue in this NY Times article. What's the new Kindle all about? What are the pros? The cons? And, most importantly, will it kill the book?

Pogue's answer: The new Kindle is nice, but it's never going to replace a real book.

"But as traditionalists always point out, an e-book reader is a delicate piece of electronics. It can be lost, dropped or fried in the tub. You’d have to buy an awful lot of $10 best sellers to recoup the purchase price. If Amazon goes under or abandons the Kindle, you lose your entire library. And you can’t pass on or sell an e-book after you’ve read it."

Not to mention the fact that a book just feels nice in your hands. I stare at a screen way too much to want to buy another screen to look at. And I think the book is really in no danger in the current economy, which is sending more people than ever to their public library. Why pay hundreds for a book-machine (and then another $10 for a "book") when you can check it out for free?

Even so, people are obviously buying the Kindle, mostly because it can hold thousands of books in one place. However, Pogue also points out:

"The point everyone is missing is that in Technoland, nothing ever replaces anything. E-book readers won’t replace books. The iPhone won’t replace e-book readers. Everything just splinters. They will all thrive, serving their respective audiences."

So the Kindle-lovers will have their ebooks, and the paperback fans will keep going to bookstores and libraries. Kind of like how TV hasn't killed movies, and the internet hasn't killed TV.

*Anyone who knows where this comes from, you rock.

Way Better Than the Movie

A truck we can believe in.

Jazz Hands

Most of the time, wedding speeches tend to be kind of lame, especially if you're not the best friend/sister/father/etc. of either the bride or groom. I don't want twenty minutes of how they're such wonderful people; I want to hit the open bar and dance already.

But this wedding party brings the dance into the wedding speech.





Although I do kind of feel bad for Brad; it's mostly about Amy. But maybe he was in on it, too. And besides, it just teaches him to get musical friends.

(Catherine, I see this either happening at your wedding, or you organizing this for someone else's.)

It's a Small World After All

And speaking of Abbey Road, check out Michael Hughes's project. He takes pictures of world famous landmarks, but replaces the landmark with its cheap souvenir version.

In Mother Russia, Folk Dances You!

I've got to say, the Soviet Army kicked ass at dance. These guys could have been on a Broadway show! And the Run DMC mash-up is kind of amazing.

Between this and the Obama's elf video, I really don't know which is my favorite.





I would have hated to be the guy in their regiment who couldn't dance. He must have felt like such a loser.

Take a Stroll

If I lived on Abbey Road, I would run over tourists every day. And possibly hate the Beatles a little.

I also love how tourists stop to pose, whereas I think the famous cover shot was actually taken when the Beatles were, in fact, walking. The stopped poses look really fake. Just keep walking, guys!

When I Was Young, I Never Needed Anyone

This might be my favorite video of the week--and it's only Tuesday!





Try hearing this song with the same lyrics ever again.

(And thank goodness for that; I hate the normal version.)

((Although I would want to be Obama's elf.))

Island Life

Matthew Fox talks about his photographs, taken on set from the first season of Lost. It's a great way to see the entire cast and crew, and how they work together to produce an amazing series.







My favorite part: the hug to keep warm.

Hot Girls Love Books

Parts of a mural from the cafe of Poland's largest bookstore chain, by Agata Nowicka. Barnes & Noble should hop on these. I'd like to read along with Marilyn and Audrey

Run, Abe, Run!

Conan talks about some of his favorite/most famous moments and guests, and of course he had to mention Abe Vigoda, of The Godfather fame.





I love the old man run! And I love the fact that Abe would do stuff like this; he obviously has a great sense of humor.

Hopeless Cat

Sometimes this is how Monday feels.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

He's just given up. You can barely see his disgusted cat expression.

Shit

There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

W. Somerset Maugham
English dramatist & novelist (1874 - 1965)

I should make a t-shirt with this quote and wear it until I graduate.

Cuddle Up

Alex shared this in the comments, but just in case anyone missed it (you all read every comment, right?), I thought I'd share.

They call it a Hug Me Pillow, but really, it's like something out of a bad Japanese horror movie. Some possessed torso-and-arm crawled into your bed and is going to squeeze you to death.

Seriously, who would want to cuddle with this? Even if you are in desperate need of affection, get your normal pillow out. You'll have nightmares in the Hug Me Pillow.









Like this lady. She's going to wake up screaming.

Also, I think that hand is going to cop a feel at some point.

Ugh, scary muppet hand molester pillow.

Bang Bang

Remember how much fun it was to make superheroes? Now Friday can be super again! At the Hero Factory, you can make your own superhero, and they also give you a sassy nickname for it.

Not sure why Double Trigger is "Meaty" but I'll leave that one to the pros.

Maybe she fights PETA?

Make a Wish

From the good people at Cake Wrecks, scary Barbie doll-body cakes. Some favorites:

Wasn't this "New Age Ken?" Or maybe "Gay Uncle Ken?"

Even Barbie herself is afraid of this one.

Good-bye, Dolly!

Nice Save, Kid

There's Nothing Sexier Than the C-Word

Five-year-old boy at young nanny as they wait in line: Mimi? You're the "c" word.
Mimi, looking shocked: The "c" word? What do you mean?
Five-year-old boy: You know... C-e-x-y. Will you marry me?

--Checkout Line, Columbus Circle Whole Foods

Overheard by: tinyfoo

via Overheard in New York, Feb 19, 2009

Phew! Kids shouldn't know there even is a "c-word" until at least middle school.

It's Hard Out There For a Celebrity

Times are tough. And who knows that better than celebrities. For this Sunday's Oscars, they're going to have to tighten their belts a little. And by "tighten their belts" I mean "get less swag."

From a marketing viewpoint, I understand the swag thing. Companies want to give stuff to celebrities, who will hopefully love their product and become devoted fans. Then maybe the celebrity will be photographed with the aforementioned product and their fans will run out and buy it. Makes sense.

Even so, it is kind of obnoxious for celebrities to get free things for showing up to an event. An event in which they talk about how great they are. Especially when they're probably wearing a free gown and loaned jewels. Of course, I would probably do the same thing in their position. In fact, I'd probably go mad with power and demand that people give me free things all the time. I'd probably end up like Norma Desmond.

But now the celebrities are going to have to deal with less, just like the rest of us.*

"Freebies this year will be scaled back from the 'old days' -- before this year's recession and last year's writers' strike -- to include a high-end vacuum cleaner worth several hundred dollars, a handbag worth about $200, a toothbrush sanitizing gadget for around $30 and handmade jewelry.

But one of the biggest suites in Hollywood is still going all out. Gavin Keilly, CEO of GBK Productions, told CNN that plenty of high-end products were scheduled for his lounge, which caters to nominees and presenters, [including]: $10,000 vacations to a destination spa, $8,000 to $18,000 watches, and a year's worth of Botox, Restylane and microdermabrasion valued at $3,000."

At least GBK is donating a portion of its lounge profits to charity. And some celebrities have spoken out against swag in general. But it's still mind-boggling that someone can get thousands of dollars worth of stuff just by showing up to an awards show.

Apparently the worst of the economy is yet to come. Maybe next year, swag will be like the goodie bags at a kid's 7th birthday party. Tootsie rolls for everyone!

*Hahaha.

Behold the Power

Before the Wii. Before the PlayStation. There was the Power Glove.

I remember when it was in the (extended Ninteno commercial) movie The Wizard. So badass.

More Ridiculous Than a Hen Party

For some reason, people can't get enough of the Snuggie. You'd think this would be confined to the comforts of their own home, but some people want to show their Snuggie the world. Some people want to have a drink with their Snuggie. Some people want to have a drink with their Snuggie and lots of other people in Snuggies.



Chicago's a cold city, but a Snuggie Pup Crawl? Seriously?

Wouldn't it be sad if three people showed up and then they were 'those drunk people in Snuggies?' Awkward.

The info:

What: A pub crawl in Chicago wearing Snuggies™
When: Saturday, April 18th
BYO-Snuggie

Important detail, BYO Snuggie. They're not just giving them away!

So, Chicago kids--who's joining them?

The Twinkie Monologues

Raising kids is tough. Not only do you have to love them, but you're also responsible for their major brain-development-learning-period. You've got to teach them counting, animal names and sounds, and oh yeah, names for their genitals.

The Guardian tackles the issue of the vagina. What should parents teach little girls to call this body part? The author, Annalisa Baribieri, is looking for "something that wasn't too twee, euphemistic or overly anatomical."

Some suggestions she got: twinkie, zizzi, tweenies, nenette, patatina, toshie, and sparkly bits.

Is it just me, or do these sound like names of tiny fuzzy bear-like stuffed animals?

I don't understand why kids need different names for their genitals. We don't make up names for other body parts. Having cutesy nicknames only confuses kids (especially when every family has a different term) and only underscores the fact that genitals are 'weird' and 'other.' What's wrong with simple, medical terms like vagina and penis? When I was growing up, those we the words we used. I remember being three and thinking about them as words--they weren't too complicated or whatever. They are what they are.

And honestly, how old are girls going to be before they can say 'vagina?' Seven years-old? Ten? Forty-five? Why not be honest with them so they can just use one word for their entire lives?

Don't be afraid to say vagina.

Shiver!

From the geniuses at Word Journal:

piloerection

noun • erection of the hair, usually accompanied by goosebumps; synonym for goosebumps

Your arm hair standing on end has a name! And it's so juvenile-y awesome!

(Did you get piloerections from Goosebumps?)

Because the Holocaust Just Wasn't Enough

Apparently anti-Semitism is on the rise throughout the UK, due to Israeli/Palestinian conflicts in the Middle East. In January, there were more than 200 recorded attacks--the highest monthly number since 1984 (when this kind of thing started being recorded).

British lawmaker Denis MacShane, who chaired the country's first parliamentary inquiry into anti-Semitism, said:

"Parliaments now have to acknowledge that anti-Semitism is back. It's a potent ideological force, causing fears to Jews in many different countries, and it has to be combated by all people that care about democracy."

Isn't anti-Semitism one of those things that should be eradicated by now? Like hating lepers? I guess you could say that for all kinds of racism, but really, who wants to be a Nazi?

Obviously, issues in the Middle East suck on both sides, but how are innocent Jews (or innocent people for that matter) responsible for the actions of a foreign government? Kicking someone's ass because they're wearing a yarmulke is not the answer to anyone's problems.

Another quote from MacShane I thought was interesting:

"Whenever anti-Semitism sinks roots, the world is heading in a disastrously wrong direction," he said. "That is a lesson from history. If we don't tackle anti-Semitism in the early stage, then it devours democracy."

How to Be an Interesting Person

"Liking interesting things doesn’t make you interesting."

— Ben Gibbard

I think this is most evident in facebook profiles. I hate when people say, "Get ready for randomness...Mozart, Billie Holiday, Bob Dylan..." like most people don't like different styles of music.

Mostly I think interesting people are the people who are interested in other people.

(How many times can I say people?)

Poke

After receiving a lot of criticism for their new content policy, Facebook is backing down. Smart move, guys. Otherwise you might have had a riot on your hands.

Apparently, at first, Mark Zuckerberg responded to the outrage by mentioning company philosophy: "People own their information and control who they share it with."

Yeah. Because that makes me feel a whole lot safer.

Everyone else felt the same way, because now Facebook has to revert back to their original Terms of Use while they look over their policy.

Even so, I'm not entirely satisfied. Facebook spokesperson Barry Schnitt said:

"As Mark expressed in his blog post on Monday, it was never our intention to confuse people or make them uneasy about sharing on Facebook. I also want to be very clear that Facebook does not, nor have we ever, claimed ownership over people's content. Your content belongs to you."

Excuse me, but isn't that basically the opposite of what the revised Terms of Use statement said? Check it out:

"You may remove your User Content from the Site at any time. ... (H)owever, you acknowledge that the Company may retain archived copies of your User Content."

Let's take a moment. The 'Company' = Facebook. 'Retain' = to keep in possession or use. 'Content' = that stuff you put in your profile.

So...how did they never claim ownership?

Not that I think the people at Facebook are going to waste their time searching their archives for your most unflattering pictures. It's probably just for advertising. Even so, they could at least be a little less sketchy about it.

Magic!

This kid is fantastic.







I love how kids make up situations/stories for what they see--and not always the stories you'd imagine.

Bow wow chicka bow wow chicka bow wow.

Defriend This

Facebook owns you. And not in a theoretical, "I waste too much time and therefore life checking status updates" kind of way. In a real way.

From the Facebook agreement:

You hereby grant Facebook an irrevocable, perpetual, non-exclusive, transferable, fully paid, worldwide license (with the right to sublicense) to (a) use, copy, publish, stream, store, retain, publicly perform or display, transmit, scan, reformat, modify, edit, frame, translate, excerpt, adapt, create derivative works and distribute (through multiple tiers), any User Content you (i) Post on or in connection with the Facebook Service or the promotion thereof subject only to your privacy settings or (ii) enable a user to Post, including by offering a Share Link on your website and (b) to use your name, likeness and image for any purpose, including commercial or advertising, each of (a) and (b) on or in connection with the Facebook Service or the promotion thereof.

You may remove your User Content from the Site at any time. If you choose to remove your User Content, the license granted above will automatically expire, however you acknowledge that the Company may retain archived copies of your User Content.

So basically, Facebook can use anything you put on there, even if you leave the site. If you post a picture of you wasted with blackface, that picture will be on there forever. (Please tell me you're not getting wasted and doing blackface, because if you are, you kind of deserve for Facbeook to own your ass.)

And it's not just stuff you post. It's stuff people post about you, too. You don't have much control over your public image.

"Looking at it globally, millions of people are uploading bits of information on everyone and everything, to a huge online database, and by doing so they’re automatically giving away the rights to use or modify this information to a private corporation. And not only that; they now also waiver the right to ever take it back from it."

Basically, be careful about the things you post online, as always. But Facebook should respect its users, too. Don't mess with people's stuff, especially when they escape from your site. It's just bad karma otherwise.

Rise and Shine

Worried about your alarm clock failing you during a power outage? Forget electricity and harness the power of dirt.

"The Timeless Garden is a simple, slender plant pot for catgrass or other low-maintenance botanicals, with a faceplate that displays the time. The clock is powered by a chemical reaction between the soil inside the pot and the metal wires connected to the digital display."

How cool is that? Although I guess you have to actually take care of a plant for it to work. My not-so-green thumb and I had better stick to the alarm on my cell phone.

B Side

So that's why I have so many songs on my iPod I haven't played.


I'm pretty sure Eliot was thinking of 8-11 when he wrote The Waste Land.

Flow Charts Look Fancy

For those of us who like pictures instead of numbers, a guide to the stimulus package:


Click through for a closer look. There's a lot going on.

Try Ctrl Alt Delete

The Matrix as run by Windows.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Hope you have cookies enabled!

See You in a Bazillion Gajillion Years

This is what advertising execs do anyway, right?





The best thing Mad Libs has done since sixth grade.

Or Obnoxious

“The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous.”

— Jackson Pollock

I think any kid who gets A's in high school knows that.

My Kitty Senses Are Tingling

"Kitten-man, Kitten-man, giving stuff to kittens, man!"

And It Breaks My Heart

A lovely video that provides faces to all the same-sex couples in California whose marriages are in danger of being nullified. I can't imagine how sad that would be.



"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.


Keep fighting Prop 8.

Stalker Times Two

Most of the time celebrities hate their stalkers. They get restraining orders. They get big, beefy security guards. They get weepy on Oprah. They get...reservations?

That was what Robert Pattinson did. While filming in Spain, he was lonely and noticed there was one girl who showed up outside his apartment every day, all day. Now that's what I love in a girl--persistence. So Robert just went out to her and asked her out to dinner.

Fortunately, he also had a backup plan. "I just complained about everything in my life and she never came back."

I guess nobody knows stalkers better than Edward Cullen.

Maybe this is what Bella could have done in Twilight.

Let's Go to the Planet of the Brown Muppets!

This messed up version is actually much better than the three prequels. So there you go, George Lucas.


Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it) from Joe Nicolosi on Vimeo.


I like Leia's gold suit.

Rewind

Another creative video, referencing the "apathy" of the young generations.





Words rock.

Food Fight

A really creative look at American warfare/conflicts from WWII on.





There's even a cheat sheet for the different food items/countries. Somehow I feel like I would have paid more attention in 9th grade history if we watched this.

We've Got Magic to Do

I don't care what anyone else says. Ron is awesome.

Check out some more Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince stills. I don't forgive them for pushing the release date back to August, but I'm going to see it anyway, so might as well get excited again.

Really Inside the Actor's Studio

On Conan, James Lipton takes on the Christian Bale freak out.






The sad face is amazing. Obviously James has been listening to his interviewees when they discuss acting.

Like a Space Cowboy

You can't take the sky from them.


Han or Mal?

Now, Han Solo's pretty bad-ass. (Before they edited him so he didn't shoot first. Psh.) He's got a Wookie best friend and a pretty awesome girlfriend. He fights the Dark Side, even though he initially doesn't have any investment in the fight. He's the captain of one of the fastest ships in the galaxy. He got frozen and came back to life. Pretty damn cool.

But Mal Reynolds is my choice. Like Han, he's tough and has an awesome ship. His crew is amazing (and doesn't just consist of a Wookie; sorry, Chewie) and loyal. He loves his crew. He's got that romantic tension with the beautiful and brilliant Inara. He stands up for what's right and takes down the scariest group of creatures ever to roam the galaxy. And boy does he have the witty banter thing down. Some examples?

Mal: Well, look at this! Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?

Zoe: Big damn heroes, sir.

Mal: Ain't we just?

Sir Warrick: You have to finish it, lad. [Mal doesn't move] You have to finish it. For a man to lay beaten, yet breathing? It makes him a coward.

Inara: It's humiliation.

Mal: It would be humiliating, having to lie there while the better man refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man.

[He lightly stabs Atherton.]

Mal: Guess I'm just a good man.

[He repeats the poking.]

Mal: Well, I'm all right.

Inara: So… explain to me again why Zoe wasn't in the dress?

Mal: Tactics, woman. Needed her in the back. Besides, them soft cotton dresses feel kinda nice. There's a whole… airflow.

Inara: And you'd know that because…?

Mal: You can't open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I am a mystery.

He's the kind of guy you want to be around. The kind of guy you want as your captain. The space cowboy of all space cowboys.

Go vote for your favorite!

Holy Moly!

I'm sorry, but the pope is so scary.


JP II, I miss you.

Post-Partum Depression Sounds Pretty Good About Now

Hollywood is so messed up about motherhood. They're all excited about the babies and the baby-stomach until the baby's actually born. Then you better be in a swimsuit in a week.

Take Jessica Alba in Elle Magazine:

On snapping back into shape so quickly after giving birth: "I did it for the Campari job. [The workouts] were horrible. I cried. And I haven’t worked out since.”

I get it. She's being paid to look good. She doesn't have to take the job. But seriously, isn't it kind of messed up to make a new mother cry in her workouts? Like hormonal imbalances aren't enough.

Her secret to looking slim after giving birth: “I wore a girdle. Eight weeks after my girlfriend had her baby, you could see her six-pack. She told me to put an elastic band around my waist – any kind of band or girdle works. She was like, “I slept in it.” I didn’t recover as fast as she did. I don’t have a six-pack – that’s just not my body at all.”

Yeah, Jessica. Your body is so not rocking. If she's worried about six-packs and sleeping in girdles, what are the rest of us supposed to do?

Having a baby used to be scary because you could die in childbirth. Now it's scary because you need to be a size 2 again immediately after popping out that kid.

I've Never Been Good With Math

"To put a trillion dollars in context, if you spend a million dollars every day since Jesus was born, you still wouldn't have spent a trillion."

It's all kind of mind-boggling when you really think about it.

The Land of the Lost Would Have Been Terrifying

Dinosaurs? Okay, sure. I expect that. But snakes that ate crocodiles? That is messed up.

Scientists in Colombia discovered the remains of the biggest snake that ever lived--2,500 pounds, 42.7 feet long.

Know how big the largest python and anacondas are? Not even 20 feet.

With the best quote ever, expedition leader and paleontologist Jonathan Bloch said:

"The snake that tried to eat Jennifer Lopez in the movie 'Anaconda' was not as big as the one we found."

Count your blessings, JLo, that this thing lived a few million years ago.

Get Jittery

I love coffee. I always have. I started drinking decaf when I was about five--and never with sugar. For a while I thought I wasn't addicted, but last year I realized that if I went a day or two without coffee, I really missed it. By three in the afternoon I'd break down and get a cup. With the first sip I'd sigh and say, "Oh coffee, how I've missed you."

It's a tiny addiction, really.

Nowadays, a lot of people want to get the most out of their coffee for their money. I've never liked Starbucks coffee. Their coffee drinks--great. (Pass me that mocha.) Their stand-alone coffee--not so good. And apparently taste-testers agree. Their choice for the best ground coffee was Eight O'Clock Colombian. Plus, it costs less than most ground brands. Most of the boutique brands (like Peet's) were ranked as just "okay," if that. So it's probably worth your money to just make your coffee at home. Maybe you can even learn how to mix a coffeehouse-style mocha.

If you're brewing at home, a good coffeemaker will help, as will grinding your own beans. My own tip is also to start with cold, filtered water.

How to Win

People are worried about the Oscars. In the last few years, viewership has dropped considerably. Last year's was the least-watched show ever, with 32 million viewers. Compare that to the 1998 Titanic year show, which 55 million people lost. Producers want to get people glued to the screen. After all, why would companies pay a lot to have their ads shown during the show if everyone's watching something else?

So this year, producers are trying out a few new ideas. One things they think might work: closing the broadcast with fresh 10-second snippets of two dozen new movies, which will run on a split screen with the end credits. The idea being that people will stick around for the whole show to watch these. I love 10-seconds of stuff I could probably find online.

Hosting this year is Hugh Jackman. So far, that's their best bet to get lots of ladies to watch. And he's hosted the Tonys before, so at least he can handle himself in that situation.

It's a tough job, making a good award show. These days, you don't have to watch the whole thing to find out who won every award. You can just check the updates on IMDB. (That's what I'll probably do.) Plus, there are a gazillion award shows now. The Oscars don't seem special anymore.

But I've got a suggestion that might help out: nominate movies people actually liked. Was Titanic a great script? No way. But people freakin' loved it and they watched to see if it would win everything from Best Sound Design to Best Picture. Why would people watch an award show honoring movies they probably haven't seen?

At Cinematical, Peter Marin suggests that the Academy Awards take a hint from the Superbowl, which people have turned into like crazy over the last couple of years--even people who didn't watch the games every week. His suggestions include half-time film critic commentary, embracing the length, and reducing speeches.

I think the show should go even further. Instead of choosing winners, kick the award into the air and have nominees fight it out. (Normal tackling rules apply.) Plus, this would encourage dangerously thin nominees to bulk up a little beforehand. Chug that protein drink, Anne Hathaway!

Sieze the F*ckin' Day

Oh. My. God.

NSFW F*ckin Newsies! @ Yahoo! Video

I love Newsies. I love it even more now.

Popular Author Smackdown!

Mega-author Stephen King knows a thing or two about selling books. So does Stephanie Meyer, author of the uber popular Twilight series. But Stephen King has called her bluff: he says she can't write "worth a darn."

That's right, a darn!

When asked about popular authors such as Meyer and JK Rowling (my imaginary mom), King had this to say:

"Both Rowling and Meyer, they're speaking directly to young people... The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn. She's not very good."

Fight!

Okay, I actually agree with King. Is Meyer as bad as the Clique books? No, thank goodness. But she's not exactly grabbing people for her characterization or way with words. It's all plot. It's fun and exciting and addictive. Sure, you could say the same about a lot of King's books, but I think he can also write interesting character studies as well. (They're just buried under a lot of gore.)

Of course, this won't take anything away from Meyer's sales. In fact, I think her legion of fans might attack King in the streets someday soon. Better start watching your back, Stephen.

Good thing he didn't say anything bad about JK. Then he'd be on my enemy list, too!

Like the Awkward Street Half-Wave

From My Life in a Cube:




This happens to me all the time when people pass by my desk. Apparently I'm too eager for conversation.

Welcome to the Jungle

Giraffes are great. They're elegant; they're unqiue; they have those black tongues. Who doesn't love them?

Other giraffes, apparently. I never thought giraffes could fight!





The sounds!

Get on This, Marketing

I love movie trailers and posters. They offer so much promise to a potentially sucky movie. But I love them even more when people mess with them. Enter Movie Poster Honesty. A few favorites:

Don't Write That Guy

From film to TV, we've all seen them: the Hollywood cliches. They're the characters that show up everywhere, even in films that are otherwise fantastic. Sometimes writers can use cliches to explore what we know about truth and culture. Sometimes it's just lazy. So James Hudnall has put together his Top 10 Cliches That Need to Die. It's surprisingly conservative actually, and overall I'm in agreement. A lot of them are just racist/stereotypical and yet somehow fly under the offensive radar. A few that have annoyed me:

3. The Evil Christian: "Christians are always shown to be hypocrites and phonies. They’re never good people. They’re exposed as pious frauds when their “true colors” are revealed. Every group of people has their bad apples. To constantly paint Christians in this way because of a few is pathetic. You want to be seen as tolerant and yet to resort to these abysmally vicious clichés?"

Example: Chocolat. (The book is actually a lot worse than the movie; at least in the movie, people discover that the basis of Christianity is actually the idea that maybe we can all try to get along.)

I've always felt weird about this one, coming from a Christian background myself. How is it that Christians are always narrow-minded--isn't it narrow-minded to portray them that way? (The offshoot is #6 Pedophile Priest. The sex abuse scandal was horrifying, but I know a ton of awesome priests. How is it that none of them get recognition?)

4. The Stupid Dad/Male: "In Hollywood movies men are...almost always either buffoons, geeks or dumb jocks. Women are always smarter. Men can’t do anything without a woman telling them what to do. And fathers can’t take care of the kids. They can’t cook dinner or even be good parents. They’re always too busy to spend time with their kids, or they do idiotic things that get the family into constant trouble."

Example: Almost any commercial involving families at home.

This is a pet peeve of mine. The worst of this exists on TV, both in commercials and actual shows. In an era of supposed gender equality, why do men constantly get portrayed as idiots at home? Wouldn't it be better for everyone if guys could be portrayed as intelligent fathers/husbands/homemakers? I don't want to marry a guy who doesn't know what the toaster does.

9: Wise Trashy People: "According to Hollywood: hookers, homeless and bizarre lifestyle people are the normal ones. They know what’s 'really going on, man.' They’re just being honest. Everyone else is a freak. People who act normal are all depraved and sick. The suburbs are a place of spiritual death. The only truth lies in Bohemia."

Example: Rent.

At 14, I thought this was totally true--I had to escape suburbia. Screw you, Mom and Dad! Except looking back, it's a totally idealized life. Know what's not fun? Having no health insurance and being worried about feeding your family. Does that give you a kind of insight? Sure, but not in an idealized way. Plus, the 'wise trashy people' exist to further the internal experience of someone who's better off. They're almost never their own person, with their own concerns. Plus, it's another reason to hate Pretty Woman.

I'd also add the Manic Pixie Dream Girl to this list--perhaps a more recent development in film cliches.

I feel strangely conservative agreeing with this list. And I love Chocolat and Rent. (I don't love Pretty Woman.) But I think stereotypes are still creepy even when they're not something society deems offensive. And really, can't we come up with something more creative?

Dr. Horrible-r?

Dare I say it? A sequel to Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog?

Nathan Fillion says there might be one in the works:

"There is talk about a Dr. Horrible sequel. It's actually in one of the songs on the Dr. Horrible DVD commentary music."

Of course, Fillion also mentions that Joss Whedon is really busy right now, so I shouldn't hold my breath. But I hope this means more sing-along fun for everyone in the near future. Heck, I'd even settle for totally different short musical movies.

Basically, Joss Whedon and Nathan Fillion could get wasted and tape themselves doing karaoke and I'd think it was brilliant.