Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Attack on Cute

At Lady Faces, we like cute things. We like uglycute things. And we even like when people try to argue against cute things. At Fuck You, Penguin, once voice stands alone against all the cute on the internet.

For example, the Sloth. Not ubercute, but he's got those sleepy little eyes. But watch out, Sloth!:

"Sloth, get off your fucking ass and get down out of that tree. I don't care if it is practically impossible for you to walk on the ground, you've been sleeping for nearly a full day now and you promised you would start looking for a job this morning. WELL IT'S ALMOST TWO IN THE FUCKING AFTERNOON. And have you taken a shower recently? Your hair looks like it is literally made out of straw."

Dream it away, little sloth.

Then there's the Platypus:

"What. The. Fuck. I don't even know what to say, Platypus. YOU MAKE NO SENSE. You're like some kind of anti-drug message, designed to make high people totally freak the fuck out. You are so weird, Platypus, that they don't even have a universally agreed-upon word for the plural form of you. That's because if you see two of these animals(?) together, the fabric of space and time will literally tear apart. Remind me to never close my eyes again, Platypus, you duck-billed asshole."

This blogger might seem mean, but I think underneath he secretly loves these animals. For example, the Squirrel:

"You little fucker, you think you can just fucking waltz into our lives like nothing ever happened, but I know your kind, Squirrel. I turn my back for one second and you are causing power outages and breaking the noses of Finnish opera singers. So just go back to being hunched over nibbling on an acorn in my backyard, because you can stand there waiting for an invitation to my Christmas party all you want, IT'S NOT GOING TO COME. You may have found my weakness for animals that stand on two legs, but I'm smarter than you, Squirrel. And I will defeat you."

He's just trying to protect himself against so much cute. But no one can hold out for that long. I like to think after he's done ranting, the writer waits a minute and then hugs all the animals while Disney music plays in the background.

Or maybe the cute things of the world are just getting their due. Watch out, cutes and uglycutes!